Here’s a song. I wrote it. I recorded it in my pajamas. Whatever. Blah blah blah. Words about stuff. It’s day 28. Send Help.

Honestly I am losing steam here. The other day I had my brother check to make sure the comments section on these blog pages were working because I thought they were broken because no one was responding to them but, no, it’s just that nobody is responding to them.

To be fair, my dad DID immediately respond “Comment, comment, comment” when I told him this AND there is a dedicated spambot who says “Thank For Information” every day, so I SEE YOU DAD AND SPAMBOT!

You’re my only fans.

Ok, I’m done whining now.

I’m sitting inside by the window on a gray day, watching the leaves fall and drinking coffee and life is good.

I’m constantly interacting with people I’m inspired by (Role call: Jonathan Merritt, my new friend Kit who shares encouraging words from random strangers on Instagram, my friend’s 3-year-old daughter Alice who refused to be anything other than Nacho Libre for Halloween, etc…).

I’m doing a work that feels fulfilling, and reminding myself for the bajillionth time that making things is about the making of things and that it’s TOTALLY OK to feel disillusioned with that making at times.

And if there’s anything I want my music to speak to people (aside from giving them ideas on how to get their husbands to stop cheating or helping them know what to say to people who talk about biological clocks) it’s that WE ARE TOTALLY OK BEING NOT OK.

I used to do this thing where I was like “If I can’t be good then I’ll just be as shitty as I can possibly be.” And I’d go down into a whirpool of self-destruction and then feel perversely justified at how bad I felt, as if sadness and self-loathing were the only safe harbor to tie my boat to.

It’s honestly a feeling of warring with yourself–doing things you hate and hating that you’re doing them, and thinking somehow that the best way to deal with the shame from this cycle is to shame yourself into changing it.

Uh…turns out you can’t grow self-love that way. Weird, right? 

I’ve learned that the best way to meet this spiral isn’t to burn everything to the ground and walk away in slo-mo. It’s to stop. Sit. Allow. Let things be, without judgement or deep-dives into negativity.

I’ve gotten better at just letting things be “ok.” Letting sadness be ok. Meeting anxiety as a friend. Telling perfectionism “Thanks, but no thanks–you know you are highly illogical, right?”

I hope this tune encourages you to do the same, and give yourself a break.