Day 30: November
Ten years ago I went to a friend’s wedding in San Diego and I was struck giddy by a thought that buoyed my soul and lifted me up into fragrant clouds of peace.
And that thought was this: I am going to find love in the next year.
I just knew it.
I felt it.
I believed it in my bones.
I was drugged by the morphine-like certainty of it.
I walked around that whole year with a restful sort of faith, secure in the awareness that my love was moving steadily my way with each passing season and that he’d be with me by the time that last November leaf fell.
And then that year passed, and then 9 more, and now I’m sad and old and bitter and still alone and blah blah blah THE END.
But at least I have something to show for all that hope (sob), because here’s a song about it.
I remember writing it with this whimsical joy, thinking “He’s out there…somewhere. YOU’RE out there somewhere! And I know one day you’ll find your way to me. And it’ll be before November, right? Right…? RIIIIIIGGHHHHT???”
I haven’t found true love AND I have to deal with Daylight Savings Time changing???
This is BULLSHIT.
I got a little emotional at the end of recording this. (SHOCKER I KNOW).
It’s just that sometimes I don’t understand why our paths haven’t crossed yet. I go to sleep on one side of the bed and I wonder what it would be like to have someone next to me.
And every year that passes, instead of that reality feeling closer and more likely it feels further and further away—like a dream I had once that was so clear but is now a hazy memory.
Do I remember expecting love? What was it like to be so certain? How did it feel to hope for November? I don’t know, I don’t know, I don’t know.
Haven’t you seen the signs?
November
These sunny days are growing colder
the trees are shaking their coats from their shoulders
Or didn’t you know? Oh, haven’t you seen the signs?
I told my friends you were getting closer
My mother’s been praying
my father’s been hopeful
I swore I was telling the truth
don’t make me a liar
And every night when I fall into bed
I’m staying on my side
instead of filling all the places
where your body will lie
And I pray your safe and happy
I pray the lord your soul to keep
and as I drift to sleep,
I’m whispering to the sky
Goodnight my sweet lover,
Oh goodnight my dear one!
I hope the morning finds you in the sun
I’ll be so jealous of the rays
sneaking through windowpanes to touch your face
but I’ll be with you before November comes
May to December, January to June
I’ve been wanting to share
some of these months with you
Though I went away,
and the winters always found me warm
Still, I thought of you like a letter sent
something on it’s way, that I was mean to hold
and so I’m singing to you, through these northwest storms
Good night my sweet lover,
Oh goodnight my dear one!
I hope the morning finds you in the sun
and just like confetti leaves
riding the wind to line your streets
I’ll be falling fast before November comes
These sunny days are growing colder
the trees are shaking their coats from their shoulders
Or didn’t you know? Oh, haven’t you seen the signs?
Want more stories and songs?
Check out the entire month-long One Out October project at: